EFFector! Electronic Frontier Foundation

In our 568th issue:

April Fools!

You have clicked on our April Fool's Day edition of EFFector. None of the articles herein are true -- they are just our way of raising important issues through humor. We do, however, have a very real surprise for your -- a video of kittens we rescued from behind the EFF offices. These three kitty cats are currently being fostered by our web developer, Micah Lee. Their names are Nova, Perl and Malcolm.

EFF Launches Trollveillance Membership Campaign

EFF today launched its new troll and surveillance, or "Trollveillance," (c)(tm) membership campaign. EFF, with the help of online advertising firm DeepPacketWatch, (tm) will track the identities of people as they look at online pornography. EFF will then send shakedown messages to the culprits, threatening to Photoshop their faces into the very porn they had viewed and then post it to EFF's blog, Facebook, status.net, diaspora, Twitter, identi.ca, and the bathroom wall unless they join EFF at the $500 "Rare Earth" level.

"If you look at Internet porn, you should already be an EFF member," explained EFF Membership Coordinator Aaron Jue. "Given all we've done to fight laws that would interfere with sexual content online, that's always been true. Now we're using the technologies of targeted advertising to make sure."

"At first we were upset that Illinois troll attorney John Steele was engaging in flagrant mendacity by claiming that EFF was making money off the troll cases," added EFF Legal Director Cindy Cohn. "But then we thought -- hey, we can go him one better. Who needs legal process -- or even copyrights. With Trollveillance, we skip straight to the shakedown."

Earn a College Degree in Facebook Privacy Settings

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the launch of the "Beast Zuckerberg Privacy Settings Institute of the West University," the nation's first college to offer undergraduate degrees in Facebook Privacy Settings. The institute is the latest project intended to improve users' ability to manage their privacy on the social networking site.

Zuckerberg, speaking during a live webcast in Facebook-blue academic regalia (while totally wearing a hoodie under his gown -- you could definitely see the zipper bumps), announced his intention to donate zillions of dollars to a fund providing scholarships to high school students demonstrating distinguished achievement in successfully managing their privacy settings on Facebook.

The young CEO tearfully characterized the move as a natural return to Facebook's origins. "Facebook started by networking students at colleges. With the Beast Zuckerberg Privacy Settings Institute of the West University, Facebook is finally bringing education back to the people. It's the circle of life -- and it moves us all."

A list of classes was displayed during the webcast, including: "Privacy Is Publicity: Philosophies of Sharing," "Connections Are Everything: EVERYTHING," "The Rudiments of Advanced Personal Search Results Management," and "Tag! A Survey of Photo Album Mishaps." The list also included a pair of special-topics classes: "Learn 2 Play Nub: Succeeding in FarmVille, FrontierVille, and VilleVille" and "F*****g Magnets: How Do They Work?"

EFF Updates

Nation Reels in the Wake of Obama Downloading Allegations
The House of Representatives is weighing impeachment hearings after a disgruntled White House staffer's bombshell revelation that he once saw President Barack Obama listen to what could have been an illegally downloaded copy of U2's "Beautiful Day" in the Oval Office. "I never downloaded," the embattled leader of the free world insisted during a press conference this morning, "I only streamed." A spokesman for the RIAA condemned the President's actions, and said the group will withhold further comment until it can calculate the astronomical damages the President could face: a number "with lots of zeroes" that it hopes to unveil at the National Press Club next month.

FBI Demands Back Door Into Your House
First the FBI wanted Congress to force Internet companies to build back doors into your private communications by amending CALEA, the Communications Assistance for Law Enforcement Act. Now the FBI is also demanding that Congress pass HALEA -- the Housing Assistance for Law Enforcement Act -- to require all providers of residential housing to build new back doors and peepholes into every home. Said the FBI's top lawyer Valerie Caproni, "When we have a search warrant signed by a judge that lawfully authorizes us to secretly search a house, we can't let physical realities like opaque walls and locked doors get in the way of that!" Asked about potential new security vulnerabilities from adding back doors and peepholes to everyone's homes, Caproni responded: "Don't worry, only the government will have the keys."

Medical Justice Sues Gastronomical Justice for Infringement
Medical Justice, a company that works with doctors to obtain copyright assignments of future reviews from patients so that the doctors can use the DMCA to takedown negative reviews, has filed a lawsuit against Gastronomical Justice, claiming the start-up has stolen its idea. Gastronomical Justice adds a copyright assignment to restaurant bills via a EULA that says "if you pay this bill, you are agreeing to assign your copyright in any future review of the food or service quality." "Not only is it blatant theft of our valuable idea," Medical Justice said in a statement, "but it also is laughable. What's going to protect the restaurant if someone other than the payer gets food poisoning?" Asked for comment on the dispute, an EFF staffer merely smiled and got some popcorn.

EFF Asks Court to Strike Down Restrictive Internet Censorship Law
EFF filed an amicus brief supporting online free speech today, asking the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fourteenth Circuit to affirm a permanent injunction blocking a federal law that would violate the First Amendment by imposing penalties on website operators that publish indecent material without also using technological measures to block access by kittens.

The Kitten Internet Protection Act of 2008 (KIPA) was passed after the Supreme Court struck down its predecessors, the Child Online Protection Act of 1998 (COPA) and the Communications Decency Act of 1996 (CDA). The government had argued that narrowing the law's scope to young felines would make the restrictive law pass constitutional muster. In the district court, EFF successfully argued that the law unduly restricted websites, and that supervision of online activities was best left to Ceiling Cat, not the government.


ISSN 1062-9424

EFFector is a publication of the Electronic Frontier Foundation.
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Editor: Rainey Reitman, Activist

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Reproduction of this publication in electronic media is encouraged. Signed articles do not necessarily represent the views of EFF. To reproduce signed articles individually, please contact the authors for their express permission.

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EFF's FOIA team has become so disillusioned with the slow, tedious FOIA process that we're recruiting people to become our "man (or woman or machine) on the inside." Are you a disgruntled employee with top secret clearance at the CIA, NSA, DoD, DoJ, FBI, DEA, DoE, or really any other government acronym? Do you have unusual access to sensitive government records? If so, we want to hear from you! Send your records to our super secret email account: wikileakers@eff.org. Though we can't guarantee the NSA isn't recording all email traffic into or out of our office, we promise we won't reveal your name to anyone as long as you get us some good stuff!

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