Organization: Toronto's Arts Newspaper ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ eye WEEKLY September 8 1994 Toronto's arts newspaper .....free every Thursday ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EYE NET EYE NET THE AUTUMN OF OUR MALACONTENTS School's in on the net by K.K. CAMPBELL One of the great migratory spectacles of nature is when the swallows return en masse to Capistrano each March. Another is the swarm of chirping .edu accounts that return to the Internet each September. Here's how it works: universities and colleges dole out new Internet accounts. Many Septembrists recoil in fear and never use them, but some venture forth, invariably without reading any instructions or guides, gentle little lambs who have lost their way. (Until Xmas approaches and the "can someone help me with my term assignment?!" posts start.) Far worse are the Septembrists who disdain guides and FAQs because they consider themselves "veterans" since they ran or dominated some WAY KOOL one-line BBSs in high school last year. Many seek to "educate" the planet with their vast life experiences -- I-get-high-on-lifers once again try to convince readers of alt.drugs that LSD causes chromosome damage; pube-less Satanists pop up in Christian groups seeking to shock; tight-ass campus administrators attempt to ban Usenet sex newsgroups. A timeless ballet. But the best righteous ranters are ones with, er, "new educational perspectives." Those earnest Septembrists who relentlessly claim to have Discovered The Trutht: Jesus/Bill Clinton/Michael Jackson/Herve Villechaise is/was a homosexual, woman, lesbian, black, Anglo-Saxon, Communist, Nazi, Jew, extraterrestrial, clone. These are The Theories of September! Usenet's Fun Fall Line-up! (Historical note: Back when TV was actually part of people's lives, many eagerly awaited TV's new "fall line-up.") Also, Septembrists mustn't be confused with "Fluxers." Fluxers are waves of newbies from pay services like America Online and Delphi or local BBSs, like Toronto's Compulink, which get Internet connectivity for their over-excited hordes. September is a time of great joy and mirth on Usenet. Enjoy. Flame. Be merry. ALT.LAME Speaking of flameage: The venerable Usenet newsgroup alt.flame continues apace. Actually, alt.flame can be a major snooze. While some flames are truly witty and humorous, the newsgroup is generally dominated by mega-weenies like "james g keegan jr" (keegan@nyx10.cs.du.edu) and "Andrew W Beckwith" (ab7b+@andrew.cmu.edu) -- two sonorous bores who have some endless love-hate thing going. ALT.YIN / ALT.YANG Alt.flame styles itself as the poisonous and acid-belching Valley of Death. If so, alt.cuddle is Mt. Olympus, thrusting heavenward and basking in constant warmth and golden sunlight. Alt.yang to a.f's alt.yin. There's simply no evil, no nastiness, no net.hostility able to penetrate the love-and-hugs harmony of alt.cuddle . Hamilton, New Zealand-native Stu (sang@waikato.ac.nz) recently recited the alt.cuddle manifesto in an ongoing discussion called "What to do about A-Holes in alt.cuddle" (See! They can't even say asshole!) "I beseech thee to go forward and purge thyself of thine anguish by hugging those who would ridicule your affection," Stu counselled, radiating goodness. "When someone flames on alt.cuddle , the best defense is to hug them relentlessly until they stop. I shall endeavor to practise that which I preach, good sir, and thus my next post shall be to hug the one who posted recently in vain attempt to thwart our noble cause." Usenet Vader-relative Alex Suter (asuter@netcom.com) thought alt.cuddle would be an easy romp for himself and his napalm- snorting steed. But he slunk back from battle a beaten man. "You'd be surprised how deceptively dangerous this love attack is," Suter recounted to a gathering crowd of stunned onlookers. "In alt.cuddle -- home of much hugging, tickling and sexual tension galore -- I strongly believe you cannot defeat them, or at least I can't, because the second you start flaming, or even being mildly critical, they start hugging the hell out of you. It's disgusting! Then if you're really nasty they hug each other for support. They suck up all your negative energy, and translate it into raw cuddling. (Hmmm, there's a Star Trek episode in this ...) *hugs&cuddles**hugs&cuddles**hugs&cuddles**hugs&cuddles**hug *hug*hug*hug*hug*hug*hug*hug*hug*hug*hug*hug*hug*hug**cuddl e* *cuddle**cuddle**cuddle**cuddle* "The horror ... The horror ...," Suter gasped before collapsing. LET THE GOOD TIMES TROLL Admitting alt.cuddle is unconquerable is the first step in self- healing. But flamers take heart: there are still fertile fields of endeavor. Take trolling ... "Trolling" is an art. Trolling involves posting irritating/inaccurate opinions/info to newsgroups. Trolls deliberately seek to elicit responses, invariably angry; those angry responses then elicit angry reactions from independent third parties -- and in no time you've an endless flame-fest underway. The point? Disruption. Chaos. To roll the Golden Apple. To launch the Trojan War. To service Eris. "How I Found Goddess and What I Did To Her When I Found Her." Trolls can usually be spotted by the "Followup-To:" line in the post header -- invariably packed with dozens of unrelated newsgroups. This means angry responses will be read by this wide selection of newsgroup/interests, hopefully pitting inharmonious individuals against each other. An example: A creative troll once asked if there was some subliminal symbolic reason Rush Limbaugh bears such a striking resemblance to Barney the Dinosaur (especially true when Limbaugh wears really tight underwear and his face turns purple). This troll was crossposted to alt.fan.rush-limbaugh, alt.conspiracy, alt.flame, alt.activism and alt.tv.barney . Immediately, knuckle-dragging Dittoheads squealed in outrage, which drew in delighted alt.flame vultures and alt.activism lefties, and rollicking mess resulted. And sweet Discordia was much pleased. Usenet's acknowledged Master Troller is Chicago law student Ted Frank (thf2@kimbark.uchicago.edu), who also rides around in his special troll-mobile at troll@interaccess.com . Read alt.ted.frank.troll.troll.troll for the Master's adventures. Frank once observed that the nice part of being net.famous for trolling "is that it's a licence to say any stupid thing my heart desires, and people will assume it's a troll." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Retransmit freely in cyberspace Author holds standard copyright Full issue of eye available in archive ==> gopher.io.org or ftp.io.org Mailing list available http://www.io.org/eye eye@io.org "Break the Gutenberg Lock..." 416-971-8421