~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ eye WEEKLY May 26 1994 Toronto's arts newspaper ...free every Thursday ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EYE NET EYE NET AND THE BANNED PLAYS ON... by K.K. CAMPBELL Snooping one's own way round the unbelievably vast Internet is fun. Discovery is half the thrill. Humans love to explore. Still, it helps to have some tips along the way on how and where to look. This bi-weekly eye Net column will highlight interesting spots/events in Internet culture -- particularly avoiding techie/nerd/unfucked-weenie hangouts. NOT BANNED ON THE INTERNET Burlington band The Banned is aptly named. Mainstream radio, like CFNY, refuses to play them. A St. Catharines DJ commented The Banned "ought to be shot." The five-person group's first release is a single entitled "Karla And Paul" -- on the B-side, "Banned In The Homeland." Without even listening to it, radio weasels refuse to play it, arguing the A-side is insensitive and glorifies murderous sex crime. Which severely pisses off The Banned's lead singer and songwriter, Susie Cyanide -- a.k.a. Susan Cassady, 34. "I've been having a really hard time over this, eh?" Cyanide told eye in gravel-road Canuck-twang tones. She insists "Karla And Paul" doesn't glorify anything but rips the legal system for "letting Homolka get away with murder." OK -- but what the hell has this to do with the Internet? Well, The Banned is distributing their single via the Almighty Net. Yes, you can download your own copy and play it on your home computer. For free. Find copies in eye's online storage site (see below) -- two huge .au song files (approaching 2 megs each), along with four Cyanide interview snippets and a picture of the tape cover. The tape is produced by St. Catharines-based Deer Park Productions (905-682-5107). Producer John Spenser and the band were very visible at the opening salvo of Bernardo's trial, flogging the tape at $4 a pop. The group considered singing the songs outside the courthouse but decided this would be in "bad taste." The tape is available on consignment in various shops in Toronto, like Vortex on Queen W. "Radio stations banned us because the first line is 'When I grow up, I wanna to be like Karla and Paul.' It's obvious I'm being sarcastic, but these guys are saying 'Oh! How terrible!' But it doesn't glorify murder. I didn't write about Clifford Olson, for instance. Why? Because he didn't get a publication ban and he didn't get [a mere] four years in jail," Suzie says -- referring to Homolka's rumored secret-deal early parole date, and her plans, during this "off time," to study psychology at Queen's University. "Karla is being pampered, I was peeved, so I wrote this sarcastic song. She should get hard labor or the rope. I believe in capital punishment. Hell, I believe in caning." Whether the song should be banned because it breaks the Homolka trial ban is another matter. There is one line in Karla and Paul which might be considered a "banned detail." (But, then, who knows? The ever-useless Ontario Atrophy General refuses to help clarify, offering its standard canned answer: "We cannot comment on potential breaches of the court-ordered publication ban." eye is considering making this Attorney General Hymn available as an online sample for use in future Karla dance tunes.) The song contains the word "sisterfucker" -- but this is just another swear-word, says Cyanide, with a straight face. "I just don't like using the word motherfucker. I never did. So I use sisterfucker." She assures eye this will be the downtown-hip swear-word of the '90s. The Banned is normally known as the band No Buddhas in Texas. But Cyanide developed the idea of The Banned specifically for a planned string of quick-shot political singles. Next target will probably be Lucien Bouchard. Cyanide served seven years in the Canadian Armed Forces -- a weapons technician, master corporal. "I wanted to speak out and you can't do that with a uniform on. So I quit. I plan to slam the government for the way it wastes money in the military in another single." To smooth ruffled feathers, The Banned offered to give profits from the single (maybe enough for a few Grand Pooh-Bah meals at McBarf's) to any organization Debbie Mahaffy requests -- but the offer was refused. The Banned will instead split a Flintstone meal or two with ex-cop Gordon Domm, to help defray costs in his Homolka-ban-breaking case. WORLD'S BIGGEST RECORD STORE? The Banned can be found in eye's ftp/gopher site. At your UNIX shell prompt, type "gopher gopher.io.org" (without the quotes), then look for the eye WEEKLY directory, in the subdirectory for Ontario Bands. Always free. Always "in stock." Always "online." Take the hint, you unwashed mass of struggling Ontario bands -- eye will store digitized songs/pics/bios of your band in our gopher site, so all the world can absorb your muse-soaked garage-rattlings. Write eye@io.org if interested, or call 971-8421, ext.303. Bands must provide _own_ digitized versions. OLD PIG SCROTUMS Speaking of Grand Pooh-Bah meals at McBarf's! Check out the ever-entertaining alt.mcdonalds newsgroup for servings of gossip about everyone's favorite bowel-blasting restaurant -- like the ongoing saga of McDonald's lawsuit against a 9-year-old girl. Also, enjoy grassroots food reviews. Recently, fellow Torontonian "Wadd" (stimpy@io.org) offered this culinary opinion: "Toronto's Taste o' the Month is the Flintstones-based McRib meal. Imagine old pig scrotums smashed flat into a festering patty. Undercook and add fake pork fat ribs. Cover with old cooking onions and add a completely chemical pack of what passes to be BBQ sauce -- though I believe it's what's left in the litter box after force-feeding your cat 7 quarts of Ragu Spaghetti Sauce. Wrap incompetently and serve old and cold. A warm Coke and cold fries tops out the meal quite nicely!" DIGITAL TOOL BOX John Arthur December offers an "Internet Tools Guide," a handy list summarizing common Internet cruise aids -- email, talk, internet relay chat (irc), usenet, finger, ping, white pages, whois, file transfer protocol (ftp), knowbot, telnet, gopher, world wide web (www), etc. Anonymous ftp at ftp.rpi.edu, directory pub/communications. For http access: http://www.rpi.edu/Internet/Guides/decemj/internet-tools.html. John himself can be reached at decemj@cii3116-04.its.rpi.edu. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Retransmit freely in cyberspace Author holds standard copyright Full issue of eye available in archive ==> gopher.io.org or ftp.io.org eye@io.org "Break the Gutenberg Lock..." 416-971-8421